Apology To My Future Husband

God told me that I had already met you, but I pushed you away. The fact that all this time I was patiently waiting on a man of my dreams to come scoop me. Waiting on a man that God had for me, and only me that was made just for me. The fact that I was steady day dreaming about a tall, dark, handsome man after God's own heart. Somebody that wouldn't just love the good in me, but would also love my flaws. Telling myself these dudes I've met thus far isn't good enough for me. The man I marry has gots to feeeeelll me. You get me? I mean he has to understand me deep down inside. My hurt. My pain. I want him to understand the abuse I suffered, the street fights I've been in, the loves I've lost, and the bruises on my heart.
  That's the kind of future husband I told God I needed. That's the kind of husband I told myself I wanted. Until I had me a come to Jesus moment. Truth hurts. But when it hurts that's when its time to heal and make changes. But what blew me away is when He told me I had already met you and basically threw you away. Met you? Met who? What? I'm confused.
  I remember dreaming of a handsome man bragging about his wife. In my dream I laughed and told myself I can't wait until the man God has for me shows up. His voice was as clear as day and woke me up. You already met him and you pushed him away. That woke me up and I sat right up in stupefied shock. I couldn't believe it. I met my husband? But who?
  It doesn't even matter who. I just hope whomever you are, find it in your heart to forgive me. Forgive me for everything I have ever said to you, for whatever things I've done to you. I know you have moved on and if you did I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to marry the woman I was, either.
  Yes. "Was". Husband, I wasn't in my right mind the devil had a hold on me. I let the enemy get the best of me and it wasn't cool. Things got deep, messed up, and I thought I couldn't handle it. So I displayed anger, carelessness, distress, and hatred.
  But I'm a different woman now and hopefully we'll meet again, start all over, and leave the past in the past. I possibly belittled you, underestimated you and pushed you the breaking point. I possibly made assumptions about you, knowing I didn't know a thing about you. If you, whoever you are, was to call me tomorrow and scream at me, I would take it because I deserve it.
  If we never meet again and you move on to better things, I wouldn't even fret. I wouldn't hate, cry, mope, or pity myself. As a matter of fact, I would walk up to the alter and hug the both of you. That's how much I already love you and want to see you happy. Only if I could remember you. Please accept my apology. Please forgive me.