Infection of the Green-Eyed Monster

I lost my bestie the other day, am I supposed to cry? When this silly gal straight told me that she wished that I would die.....That she never could stand me, nor my high maintenance ways. That she would have killed me a long time ago if crime didn't pay. She always hated my strength, my ability to bounce back, and the fact that I was the big bad bitch that she lacked.....Being me....Hot tempered, feisty, and not caring about feelings. My gloves came off, and I put the verbal blade in my mouth ready to draw emotional blood from her. Five years of friendship went out of the window, sisterhood went up in flames, and my heart pumped hatred. My friend became my enemy, my enemy...No....She was an enemy the whole time. Real friends don't throw daggers, and let deep dirty secrets spew from their lips like sewage and splatter your face with it........Maybe you didn't understand what I said the first time....I lost my bestie the other day, am I supposed to cry? When this silly gal straight told me that she wished that I would die.....Die? Die. Damn.....That green-eyed monster infected you, poisoned you, lied to you, got a hold of you. Because if you want what I have, you have to walk through my shoes, and go through what I've been through, and all I have been was a good person to you. How can you be envious of a heart, that pumps blood like yours do. All it took was a bloodline falling in love with me, for your true colors to show, so enviously. Now your whole family hates me, because of what has become of me. The stories you tell, you played the victim so gracefully......But trust me you could never affect me. I'm still me.

Remember Me

Intense dreams, of a locked king, separates me from reality....I wake up with wet lips from mysterious kisses, and passion marks on my chest from forbidden licks.....I wake up with one command, one demand, that let's me know this was no dream let alone a fantasized one night stand.  Remember Me. Deep, rich, masculine, strong....Pulls me in a trance, like a chanting song....Invisible hands stroke my face, a familiar touch shocks me still.....This can't be real. Remember Me. The warrior....The king....who was taken right in front of me. Reincarnation does not exist to me...Someone is playing a trick on me. But still as clear as Caribbean waters I hear...Remember me. I try to forget...Block it out, because he no longer exist. I saw him in the ground myself there is no way he could live again. Remember me. I'm wide awake...no longer dreaming so this is certainly reality. Invisible hands stroke my hair, my face, and plant kisses on my lips and whisper audibly...Remember me. A scream bubbles in my throat. Somethings touching me, but nothings there, I reach out but I feel is warm air. I'm in denial, but I know he's here. To reclaim what we left unfinished, he refuses to leave this earth in despair. I feel his sweet breath in my ear...Remember me. My breath catches in my throat, my heart beats fast, I want him to stop, but I don't want him to stop. But now he knows that I believe he's here. Now you remember me. He speaks clearly to me, and kisses me passionately...And he appears to me in the flesh. Yes. I remember. 

Letter to My Future Husband

God told me that there is somebody for everybody, and that every person on earth has a person especially made for them. So I know that when you were born, and you were growing from newborn to adolescence, from adolescent to a grown man that He was grooming, prepping you just for me. Now what I just said sounds so cliche, because every Christian I talked to or read about always say that about someone they just marry or they say this because they are single and they don't mind waiting. Is something wrong with this statement? No. But I have always stood out, so therefore I want to say something different. So I will break it down this way. You were grown just for me. A plant that was fertilized with just the right ingredients, seedling, and plant food to make sure that you are strong, and healthy and if you do have weeds, that's fine...Who doesn't? God will get rid of the weeds that are trying to choke you to death that prevents the anointing on your life from transpiring. But I need to apologize, because I have let men try to take your place. I have asked men to take your place, I have prayed for men to take your place. I have even searched for men to take your place, and let men put the idea in my mind that God told them to take your place. But each and every time those men tried to take your place, stood in your place, it backfired because....Hey! That was not their place. See I had to learn to be careful what I pray for....Because, of course you know, the devil is always watching, trying to listen....He also likes to see God's children hurt, and stressed  and depressed and on the brink of insanity. I'm going to be perfectly honest...I resented men of God who were deep in the ministry, because I thought that they were on their high horse, and wanted a perfect woman, with a perfect past, and a perfect mind, and a perfect personality, and a perfect upbringing. Because in my eyes that's what I saw. Needless to say, yeah, I was blind. So I wanted a rebellious man, who didn't care about religion, perfection, rejection...I wanted something different, spontaneous, and adventurous..Well that backfired because I got just what I secretly asked for. A man of another religion, which was to defy God, deny Christ, constantly lie, and I found myself on my back and my legs wide.  Love was just lust intertwined in my heart that caused confusion in my mind because I thought that I finally met my match, a man that truly loved me, wanted to marry me, who consoled me physically.....Long story short it blew up in my face, and I found myself hurt all over again, disappointed, and paranoid due to a pregnancy scare. So I will apologize again. Because to you, again I was being unfair. Patience is a virtue.....I remind myself all the time. I am not going to write an endless letter about my flaws, and how much I love you even though I never even met you...I am not going to write a long letter about how you fixed my broken heart and taught me to love again....Blah blah blah blah blah....Why should I give you credit for what God did for me....To prepare me for you? Because God gave you.....Me..I know as a gift...And He loves you so much, he will not give you something that is broken.... I'm not going to ask you to please understand me, because I know, you already do. 

When Color Fades Out

It's all good when your there, caring, sharing and wallowing in their despair. Tears drench your shirt as if you are singing in the rain and you don't mind that they are making you depressed with their sorrow. Words dance around thick tense air of comfort, and everything is going to be okays fill their heart with hope. You feel your fingers absentmindedly caress their back, and a maternal instinct you never knew existed takes a napkin and wipes their face. Your mind goes into overdrive with ideas on how to make the situation go away, their future brighter, and in your mind you squeeze in a prayer for them and make a mental note to pray later before bed. And a week later, like you faithfully knew it would everything is ok. 
Colors run across fake black and white coloring as if bleach was accidentally thrown in the wash. Your faith is tested, and everything crumbles around you, like brick buildings after an earthquake. You reach out, cry out for human physical contact to show you, at least tell you and try to make you believe everything is going to be ok. Color fades out when trouble walks in........The phone calls go unanswered, the visits stop short....Everybody fades to black when the tables are turned. And that is where you get your strength from.