My Affliction

This was not supposed to happen, This did not go according as planned. I was never supposed to feel this way. It seemed as though he dropped right out of the sky...He arrived right in front of me right out of thin air, mesmerized me. Enticed me. I fought against the feelings of lust, want and need, but you brought it back everytime you made a smile grew within me. Now you are my addiction, I can't shake you, stop seeing you, and I just can't stop you from touching me. I thought Jill Scott's description of her long, restless nights and sweet, sticky rendevous' was explicit, raw, and just too open. But just a month with you, I understand each and every syllable of the words she speak. You cross my mind day in and day out. At first, I thought it was quite amazing. How beautiful the music we would make. How sweet the sound. This has grown beyond addiction, you are now my affliction. You have taken over my mind, body, and Soul....Afflicting my eyes from seeing the real you, the damage you are doing to me...You tell me you love me. But I know that's not true. You love the things I do to you...No...Not me...You just love this pussy....Cat got you trapped...But you got me open. Tongue tied twisted up, you keep my heart flowing....With what I thought was love...But it was just lust...I have to let you go, because I deserve more, and guilt eats at my heart each hour, minute, second, that I am with you...So we should just....Stop....But you keep calling me, leaving me sensual, masculine, beautiful voicemails professing how deep your love goes for me, how bad you need to taste me, how beautifully naked I am to you. I can't even delete them. My second heartbeat throbs from beneath me. All I can do is get down on my knees, close my eyes and put my hands together humbly. If you understand, and got me please pray for me.. *SIGH*

You Just Testified on What?

Maybe it's me, maybe I'm being insensitive, or not understanding. Maybe I'm being childish with this, and I am the one that is closeminded. But a lot of people do not know what the word "Testify" means. Either that. Or they are using the word too loosely, or just to describe how their day went. To me...When you testify. You give a transparent testimony of something so deep, so traumatizing....Like a lake of blood and mud and other fluids that you had to swam through but hardly made it out of without losing your mind, pride, and soul. To me a testimony is when you testify about an event that happend in your life that makes people want to look at their lives that they have been complaining, and boasting and bragging about and just stay humble, stay faithful and stay prayed up. I never hear testimonies like that anymore. Everybody wants to sugarcoat everything about what happend in their lives. Nobody wants to tell the truth nowadays. Oh we tell the truth. But we don't tell the full, no holds barred truth. Oh. But as soon as someone comes out with a full, raw, rare, testimony everybody is looking at him/her like they are beneath their shoe. You know what the testimonies I'm hearing nowadays? Heres an example: Today I have a testimony, I had eight hundred dollars in my account and now I have fifteen hundred dollars in my account because I work hard, and I stay grinding." This is one example. Here is another example: I didnt have any gas in my car, so I asked some friends and they gave me gas money to borrow". These aren't testimonies. This is saying that God is good. You got a blessing through people. The first example I typed above, they didn't even acknowledge God. "TEST" "TESTIMONY". Am I the only one that is brave enough to tell the raw details without leaving nothing out of my life story? What are you afraid of? Why are people afraid of what people may think? We are not HERE for other people. We are HERE, to do what God has placed us here to do. Eat, Pray, Love, and more and more and more. Right?

Seasonal Relationships

In winter, Billy is in love with Kelly. Billy can't live without her. Kelly keeps him warm at night, like a heated blanket, wool blanket knitted just right...Kelly believes this is a dream come true....Her knight in shining armor has finally galloped through. They are attached at the hip, always together, they both seem to can not imagine one without the other. But as the days grow warmer and the nights grow shorter. Billy begins to change and starts to act less fond of her. Kelly is confused and questions herself, whenever she tries to make plans with him, he has no time left. The women that he sees walking half naked on the streets, trying to keep cool from the sweltering heat. The humidity of spring and summer weather arouse the pheromones from within. Creating a scent that is invisible to Kelly but obvious to Billy. So Billy wants to follow the scent of exciting promiscuity, not caring about the feelings of Kelly. Because now Kelly is boring. Real men don't change with the seasons. They stay the same.

I Woke Up Scared Straight

Ok...So...No Poetry tonight. I have to speak about this message I got from God Himself last night/early morning. I have been tripping lately, I am going to admit that. I have been partying non stop. Drinking a lot. My whole spring break I was so faded I can barely remember how I spent it. All I know is that it went by way too fast. St.Patrick's Day I got so drunk I woke up throwing up pure alcohol all over the place. I started asking myself "Tanisha, What the fuck are you even here for?" I felt like I was just taking up space on earth. I haven't felt God near me in months, I was sick of going to church, not feeling anything. Sick of smiling, sick of faking. I felt good when I drank. I got a rush off of drinking. I was jealous of people who had a close relationship with God, and put it in mind that they thought they were better than me. I went so far as to get drunk and sent a derogatory message to one of them just to emberass them. I became depressed....So I dared myself to do the what you might think the unthinkable. I got really drunk last night.....I was faded. But I was like forget it. I drove out to the pier late last night....Like early morning. I stood on the bridge, I stood directly on the railing and dared myself to jump. I just stood there....Looking into the black, abyss, called water. It looked like one big black hole. Just ready to swallow me up. I just stood there for like ten minutes, trying to psych myself into jumping. And then I stepped down, got in the car. And left.
  I went back home, laid across the couch, and went to sleep. When I woke up I was in the car, it was me and a young lady I went to middle school with. I was driving and we were talking, we were going over the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel. All of a sudden on both sides, the water rose, and rose and rose. Like a big wave. I drove faster, and faster, the water we were shouting for Jesus to please stop the water. For God to help. The water washed over us and next thing I know I was drowning, I was drowning. Next. I was sitting on the bridge. God's voice said "You have forgotten who I am". "You Forgot About Me". Next thing I know I'm back on the couch unable to move. I was so confused as to how I even got from here to there and back again. I fell asleep and woke up. I got in contact with the lady who was in the car with me, I told her what I dreamed. We talked a little after that, but she told me to stay in contact with her.
   I now know I'm here for a reason, though I don't know what. Yes, I do have pain on the inside from what happend to me in my past. And I know some people are like "Get over it!" or "Grow Up!". But what do you do if you try to get over it, time and time again and it the mountain gets too hard to get over. God is a mysterious, God but I know he lets things happen in our life for a valid reason. I'm not going to lie, I got so frustrated with Him. I just want to know why me? I always question what did I do for this stuff to happen to me? I just wanna know....

When it's Drained out....

Love is an entrapment of emotions that you have no control with. So when you are deeply in love with a person, whose love for you is all drained out....What exactly do you do? They won't say it but they're actions are speaking it through sign language. A language only they can act out....Of course they won't speak it...But they will subconsciously act on it. What do you do when the once wet kisses you received in the midday hour just for being beautiful turn into dry pecks on the cheek just because it was an automatic gesture before walking out in the morning. What do you do, when the sleepless endless  nights of lovemaking turn into excuses of being too tired to even accept a back massage from you? How do you react when he makes excuses for dinner dates that you create...Making all of his favorites? Claiming he will be home from work late? His love is all drained out. So what do you do???

The Urge to Steal Candy

I have this urge to steal, though I'm not a klepto. But have you ever wanted something so bad you could taste it. Melts in your mouth, and  has you chocolate wasted. This time I want to be caramel wasted. Consumed in sweetness, sticky with a sugar high so sick I'm enebriated. Hyper when that sticky sweetness liquidate into my system. I wonder if that sweet butterscotch would harden when the heat hits it. My heart beats fast, my stomach flip flops, just when I know I'm game for a taste, that chance vaporizes in thin air, and fades away. I'm mad, I'm pouty, I'm jealous, I know I'm good for it. So why waste my time and deny me of it. I want that candy, my favorite candy, just give it to me, before I take it. I know I can get it. Don't test me, I'm adamant. Last warning.....You know you are just going to let it sit there and spoil. I can't let all that sweetness go to waste. So why not just wrap it up in tin foil....and bring it to me.....

You are a Centerfold regardless.

You are a centerfold, no matter what your shape is, what your height is or what complexion your skin is. You are beautiful. Don't you understand what you see on the magazines are airbrushed and photoshop software. Don't hurt or kill yourself trying to be something you already are. If we all walked around looking alike, there would be some unhappy men and some angry women walking around. This world would be so boring. Stop injecting yourselves with chemicals to make your assets bigger, just to get the attention of  a superficial man. Or just to sell yourself out to model for an urban magazine that is only put on the shelves so men can ogle at your parts that should be hidden. But those mags collect dust on the shelves anyway. Men walk in skim through them, see what they want to see and put it back. The real magazines like "Essence" or "Ebony" or perhaps Elle place women of all colors, shapes, and sizes on their covers. So don't sell your body to the highest bidder. Once you love yourself from the inside, it will shine on the outside. You don't have to wear tight clothes to gain the attention of a good man. Give him something to guess at. That is what a real man likes.
  You want to cut your hair, but too afraid of what people may say? Who cares. do what's best for you, what's healthy for you. At the end of the day, people are going to talk about you anyway. They talk about you, whether your hair is short to your scalp, to your shoulders, or down your back. Just be you. It is funny. Women were dying, starving themselves to be thin. Now they are dying injecting themselves trying to make certain body parts bigger. Wow.  For what? Just for attention. We are all centerfolds. You don't have to have the approval of a modeling agency, or a photographer to tell you that you are model, playboy material. You already are that whether you are a size eight, eighteen, or twenty-eight.

In Need of The Holy Spirit

Im just trying to make it to heaven each day, You come closer with each minute that is taken away. I know I'm not as deep within the word as I should be. Please have patience with me, and teach me.... How to love, learn and submit with ease. Last night, I saw the big red orange moon, it was closer to earth than it has ever been. I took that as a sign and said to you "Lord have mercy on me please." Everyone says it's a process, it takes time, I need to study, I need to be more open. Here I am on my knees. I feel like I am a big disappointment..... As if  I was put here on earth as a mistake, a curse, I keep screwing up, I keep letting you down...Even after that dream I had of you telling me..."Youre my princess, wear your crown". I need the holy spirit, I'm begging you to please fill me up,  my prayers are as if I am holding out a cup...In my hand, because I need it to overflow with not just blessings, but spiritual gifts, and with praise. Satan is on my back like never before, and to be honest I don't feel you near me. I need you near me, beside me, in my heart, in my mind....Eacb night I pray for you to forgive me of everything, and to fill me up, God. I feel weird, each church I go to...Everybody is dancing and crying, and screaming but I don't feel that intensity they are feeling. And I beg for it so much. So Lord I ask you to please fill me up.

Before you assume that I am a angry bitter bitch, with too much time on my hands who is in need of a long, aggressive dick, look in the mirror and peel back layers of your skin. Not your physical skin, but the skin of your past. See, once you peel those layers I can see what happened to you way far back. I see scars on the inside, that makes you cringe just from smiling, and I see pain deep within your heart, you try to play hard, but game recognize game I can tell you're lying....About the struggles you have from within as a Christian, you may got those pure, never wear pants, skirt no shorter than their ankles, hair in a tight bun, virgin until marriage, young women in your church  fooled, but see my ears stay listening.To  the undertones of your masculine voice, demeanor and strength. But you can only cover your problems, and issues for a small length...Of time I will unwind you, unmask you, just because you tried me, assumed things about me, but worst of all you tried to judge me. Put me beneath the crown of Princess that my God placed on my head....But you are the same judgmental man who swam deep with me in lust. No. It got not farther than your dreams. But may I ask if that is the reason why you are mad at me? Because I happen to think that I deserve a ring. Because game recognize game and truth recognize truth and I as soon as you opened your mouth and words rolled off your tongue, I was on to you? Or is it because I speak my mind, my heart, my beliefs, hell, I speak the truth. I spoke it to you, women like me are very few. I believe you got scared, because you met that one woman that can tango with you. I showed you in more ways than one, that I needed a man like you. One that can keep me on my toes, have my back, stroke my face, and still scold me, and whenever I cross the line....Put me in my place. But you downgraded me from a Queen to a peasant, a peasant to a bird, a bird to...Well nothing. But I got you, I still pray for you, I still ask God to bless you.

Admiration

There is nothing like magnificence, magnified to the highest power the world can take. It is like each atom was carefully put in place, each neutron carefully strategically positioned just right.  Forgive me for staring I can't help it. I love how each cell is balanced just right to form the perfect being. I notice how your voice carries the perfect pitch. Your mind is an endless creation, with intellectual attributes pouring from it. I can't help but admire your laughter, it fills the whole room and it feels me up. I can't help but admire your thoughtfulness, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Your strength stands out like an sore thumb amongst every other physically strong being in the room. I see your strength from the inside out, I want to feel it. I want to feel out your intelligence...Can we talk politics for hours, from deep into the night into bright into the morning. I love the way you put things into perspective. You can make a joke out of anything. I'm in pure admiration of how proud of a person you are. I sit and think and wonder how you would react in certain situations. You can't be that calm all the time. I admire the way you put your mental flaws out in front so openly. I can't help but to embrace it. Smile at it. The fact that you been through so much and still smile day to day as if nothing is wrong. I admire it so much. You are truly a gift from God.

The Barista

It smells like earth, sandalwood, and clay when I walk in. A mixture of  Bohemia, art, and music. The loose leaf herbal teas sit in small crystal jars on the counter, with the name of the blend written on white paper taped to the front. It's warm. I feel comfort against the outside cold. I walk up to the blackboard, different specialty coffees, herbal teas written in chalk. I can't make up my mind so I just stand there. I reach in the back of my mind, trying to remember the special ailments each herbal tea is good for.  A deep rich voice startle me out of my thought retrieval. I turn. He's black. Not black but the color of rich orange pekoe tea, that has one too many tea bags in the cup of hot water. He has a bald head, with little tufts of hair sticking straight up in a Mohawk. He smiles. It's pretty. Even white teeth. Not one speck of breakfast or lunch on them. He tells me I can smell the teas that are in the crystal jars. He says that have the tops of salt and pepper shakers on them. I thank him. Smile back shyly. I decide on chamomile. He puts the tea in a metal tea ball, he smiles again and tells me that he put enough tea leaves for two or more cups. If I want more  hot water, just ask. I smile shyly again. My face  grows hot. He steps from behind the counter, and for the first time I see his attire. I'm impressed. Jeans that are faded, worn, and torn at the knees with splatters of different paints on them. His shirt, which was once blue, or maybe black, is faded as well, with bleach spots, paints, marker blotches all over it. He is an artist. Which means he is spontaneous. Which means he isn't afraid to take risk. Which means he doesn't care.  I smell his scent. He smells like oranges, wax, paint, and a chemical I can't put my finger on. He smells like ambition. I sit at the small table by a bookshelf. I feel like a woman I read about. She had a crush on a baker. The baker baked an assortment of breads and she "Ate half her weight in pastry" and "had the jitters from drinking too much coffee". Just so she could stop in watch, and mentally embrace the baker.  I suddenly felt the urge for something sweet to eat.

STREAKS OF RED

Everywhere I go, everything I touch, everything I speak of, leaves traces of my past. I leave red traces of me, like lipstick on a champagne flute. It never stops. It's like the scent of sin is on me. Sins of a sister, blood traces of a mother.  I try to wipe it away, but like paint it stays. I try to fight it, but I can't. I can't help who I am. I can't help who I am. Like a broken record it repeats in my head. But like red paint it tells it all. The other species don't want me. But the one in the same accepts me. Just the way I am. Affection covers me, like the warmth of a blanket on a baby. I can't help but to surrender.

How Far Am I Supposed to Go? (Written to the "Motivation" Instrumental)

I can't help staring in your face. I can't help looking at your lips. I can't help looking at your hair. I can't stop here. I have to go all the way. I can't help but to imagine you and me. Do I stop here? Or do I keep going? Do I stop talking? Or do I keep going. How far am I supposed to go? Or do I just stop right there? My mouth just took over, I can't stop now. I don't have a choice but keep going. I'm sorry for being so bold. I'm just telling you how I feel. I can't help if I let my heart speak. Both sets of my lips, is responding to you. I won't let you leave me. Until you know how I feel. How far am I supposed to go? Do I stop here? Or do I go farther.  I can't help but to touch you now. I can't stop myself from touching you. You want me to stop here? But I try. I can't. You stop my hands. As I'm explaining my actions.  How far am I supposed to go? Do you want me...To stop right here? Or should I continue? I don't want to overstep my bounds.....Words can't compare. How I feel here...In my heart. You couldn't compare....You like it, don't you. Yeah. I can tell. Has anyone poured it out like this? How far am I supposed to go? You want me to stop here? I can go allllll......I'm sorry I can't stop now.  I can't let it go, you have started me now. I need to continue, my heart can't stop now. How far am I supposed to go? I see you don't want me to stop.  I don't even want to. You love this, right? I need to release it. So now I will go as far as I need to.  Whatever, you know you can't handle this. You can barely hold your composure. But I need to stop. Oh, don't interrupt. You can't stop me. Until my heart is empty. You have no control.

REjection

Silence creeps around us like a thick black fog in the middle of a deserted highway. Unspoken words cling to the air, waiting, daring for one of us to speak. Tension is between us like a brick wall. We are standing in front of each of each other, but a million miles away. Mentally, we can speak to each other, just with our eyes because eyes are the window to the soul. So if our eyes are the window to the soul then we can just look at each other and speak without opening our mouths. So why is there so much silence. When you look at me I see darkness, an empty dark abyss full of cold, terror, and pain. I push forward light but you just throw it back, at  me like ball of horrific nightmares, you are trying to dim out my light that I forced to ignite, with your path of misery and loneliness. I tried to give you my light, but you snuff it out time and time again. I tried to give you shine, sun, and my starts but you reject every time. My heart ejects tranquil feelings from within but you dodge them everytime. Why my eyes don't show I need you. I dont know.