In Need of The Holy Spirit

Im just trying to make it to heaven each day, You come closer with each minute that is taken away. I know I'm not as deep within the word as I should be. Please have patience with me, and teach me.... How to love, learn and submit with ease. Last night, I saw the big red orange moon, it was closer to earth than it has ever been. I took that as a sign and said to you "Lord have mercy on me please." Everyone says it's a process, it takes time, I need to study, I need to be more open. Here I am on my knees. I feel like I am a big disappointment..... As if  I was put here on earth as a mistake, a curse, I keep screwing up, I keep letting you down...Even after that dream I had of you telling me..."Youre my princess, wear your crown". I need the holy spirit, I'm begging you to please fill me up,  my prayers are as if I am holding out a cup...In my hand, because I need it to overflow with not just blessings, but spiritual gifts, and with praise. Satan is on my back like never before, and to be honest I don't feel you near me. I need you near me, beside me, in my heart, in my mind....Eacb night I pray for you to forgive me of everything, and to fill me up, God. I feel weird, each church I go to...Everybody is dancing and crying, and screaming but I don't feel that intensity they are feeling. And I beg for it so much. So Lord I ask you to please fill me up.