Ok...So...No Poetry tonight. I have to speak about this message I got from God Himself last night/early morning. I have been tripping lately, I am going to admit that. I have been partying non stop. Drinking a lot. My whole spring break I was so faded I can barely remember how I spent it. All I know is that it went by way too fast. St.Patrick's Day I got so drunk I woke up throwing up pure alcohol all over the place. I started asking myself "Tanisha, What the fuck are you even here for?" I felt like I was just taking up space on earth. I haven't felt God near me in months, I was sick of going to church, not feeling anything. Sick of smiling, sick of faking. I felt good when I drank. I got a rush off of drinking. I was jealous of people who had a close relationship with God, and put it in mind that they thought they were better than me. I went so far as to get drunk and sent a derogatory message to one of them just to emberass them. I became depressed....So I dared myself to do the what you might think the unthinkable. I got really drunk last night.....I was faded. But I was like forget it. I drove out to the pier late last night....Like early morning. I stood on the bridge, I stood directly on the railing and dared myself to jump. I just stood there....Looking into the black, abyss, called water. It looked like one big black hole. Just ready to swallow me up. I just stood there for like ten minutes, trying to psych myself into jumping. And then I stepped down, got in the car. And left.
I went back home, laid across the couch, and went to sleep. When I woke up I was in the car, it was me and a young lady I went to middle school with. I was driving and we were talking, we were going over the Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel. All of a sudden on both sides, the water rose, and rose and rose. Like a big wave. I drove faster, and faster, the water we were shouting for Jesus to please stop the water. For God to help. The water washed over us and next thing I know I was drowning, I was drowning. Next. I was sitting on the bridge. God's voice said "You have forgotten who I am". "You Forgot About Me". Next thing I know I'm back on the couch unable to move. I was so confused as to how I even got from here to there and back again. I fell asleep and woke up. I got in contact with the lady who was in the car with me, I told her what I dreamed. We talked a little after that, but she told me to stay in contact with her.
I now know I'm here for a reason, though I don't know what. Yes, I do have pain on the inside from what happend to me in my past. And I know some people are like "Get over it!" or "Grow Up!". But what do you do if you try to get over it, time and time again and it the mountain gets too hard to get over. God is a mysterious, God but I know he lets things happen in our life for a valid reason. I'm not going to lie, I got so frustrated with Him. I just want to know why me? I always question what did I do for this stuff to happen to me? I just wanna know....
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